you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
