I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
