She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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