yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Boobs are out for the taking
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
