Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you inspire me to be a worse person
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
