My friends, they love my intelligence
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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