I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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