I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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