I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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