if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
