And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
