I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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