I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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