She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
