i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
