Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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