shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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