we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
