I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
