he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
