your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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