tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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