I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
