We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
