Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
