someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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