We're like a lot better than the average bears
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
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