Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
