i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Randomize
