I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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