I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
