Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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