I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He passed out mid-signature
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
