So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
