I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
