Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
