God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
