Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
