ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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