i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
