Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Houston, we have a blender
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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