Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
