He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
