if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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