I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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