The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
