Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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