yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
