So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
