I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
