as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
